The Balamb Brides
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: (Only part one is up.) The boys and girls of Garden decide to pair off permanently, but is this really such a good idea? ...probably not...


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Someone asked me the other day why I always write FF8 fics when I hated the game so much.  
  
Well.  
  
It's because of two reasons.  
  
1. Selphie and Laguna are two of my all-time favorite RPG characters. I also liked Irvine and Zell okay. Their personalities and many events in the game make for some excellent satire.  
  
And...  
  
2. Everyone else AND THE PLOT SUCKED! SUCKED, DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M TALKING ABOUT MORE THAN A VACUUM AND MORE THAN A VACUUM CLEANER! I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKIN' BLACK HOLE OF PLOT/CHARACTER/SETTING/STORYLINE CRAP HERE!  
  
Also. I am not pro-Quiefer, or pro-Zelphie, or pro-Norgea, or pro-Rainegelo, or whatever the hell those retarded pairings are. If there are any couples at all I support in the game, it's Selphie/Laguna or Selphie/Irvine, and Squall/Ellone. So I guess that would make me a fan of Selphagunas or Selervines or Squellones. Or something. Although Squellones sound like a disease or a dirty sex act...  
  
Also, a lot of people have asked me how I could hook Laguna and Selphie together. Well, I share with you this handy chart:  
  
SelphieXSquall-Forget it, buddy. She'd be bored, for once thing, and Squall would just tell her to shut up all the time.  
SelphieXZell- This, IMHO, might be workable. However, I think it would be sort of a fling-thing. Plus, Zell is gay. Duh. (I have my opinions and y'all have yours :P)  
SelphieXIrvine- A cute couple. Irvine could develop deeper feelings for Selphie than he could for any other female in the game, and Selphie also seems to respond well.  
SelphieXSeifer- Oh, gross.  
SelphieXRaijin-Ewww...  
SelphieXCid- Shut up already!  
SelphieXLaguna- I like this couple. I never liked Raine one bit, and I think these two could develop a great rapport. Plus Laguna's aged very well.  
  
I also think that Laguna is decidedly NOT Squall's father. Maybe they should hook up. Then Laguna could kill Squall in the bathtub. Heehee. Funny.  
  
In case you don't know, the title is taken from that old TV special, "The Brady Brides". If I had my way, they'd all move to Maine with Alice to start a lesbian goat-farming community. FF8 and all characters and crap are property of Squaresoft. The lines Squall quotes to Rinoa are from the infamous and awful "The Bridges of Madison County" and I pity anyone who's ever taken that shitty book seriously. Yes, those are the real, untouched quotes. The line "Kimi no vanilla" belongs to Gackt Camui, and if you've ever seen Malice Mizer's "Illuminati" PV, you'll understand why I quoted Gackt.  
  
~****~THE BALAMB BRIDES~****~  
  
Irvine gulped. He had the ring, the candlelight, the dinner (which he was planning to combine to make a candlelight dinner). He'd hired some decent musicians. He'd put a new crease in his hat and shaved his legs. He was ready!  
  
Selphie sat across from him in a very pretty new dress. It was bright red and very, very short. So short that Zell had nasally hemorrhaged while looking at her. Xu had as well, although perhaps this was not as much of a compliment, since everyone knew Quistis and Xu were fistfucking in the secret area every night. Irvine made a mental note to shatter Xu's kneecaps for considering Selphie anywhere as yucky-looking as Quisty-Gon Jinn.  
  
"So, uh, Sefie, how's the Chocobo?" he asked tentatively. The band was playing "Teenage Lobotomy" by the Ramones, his personal anthem to his ladylove.  
  
"I'm a vegetarian." Selphie answered.  
  
"Oh." Irvine's manhood bounded merrily away into the corner and died.  
  
"Silly Irvy! Tee hee!" She smiled up at him cutely. The stars above sparkled in her big green eyes. Irvine's heart melted like rancid butter in Hell. "Everything else is just yum-tasticaliscious, though!"  
  
Irvine's manhood had a manicure appointment, but decided to let it slide, and went off in search of an attractive pair of golf pants. It was gone for a very long time.  
  
"You...uhhh...y'wanna dance?" Irvine asked eagerly. Part of him envisioned sweeping his elegant darling across the soft grass in a romantic, yet tasteful display of dancing prowess. The other part of him tried to make up an excuse in case she noticed he'd "accidentally" squeezed her breasts.  
  
"Yeah!" Selphie jumped up, tripped a little, and fell dramatically into Irvine's lap. 'Whoopsies...!"  
  
Irvine looked down at the warm little girl bundle in his arms, and resisted pinching her cheeks. Removing a wandering hand from her face (What cheeks were YOU thinking of?! Pervert! Filthy and depraved!), he lifted her up and set her on her feet. Luckily, she was wearing freakishly tall heels, so he didn't have to worry about her face being level with his stomach.  
  
The two began to dance as the band struck up a beautiful orchestral version of-what the fuck else? -"Eyes on Me". Irvine and Selphie dipped, whirled, pranced, minced, tripped, fell, squeaked, got back up again, groped, slapped, blushed, farted, blushed harder, and repeated this cycle.  
  
Just as the song was reaching its dramatic climax (You know, the part about pinching people and not being a dress and a voice), Irvine swung Selphie around and simultaneously got on his knees. He prayed she would say yes, prayed she wouldn't laugh, and prayed his pants wouldn't get too wrinkled or muddy. "Uhhh...Sefie?"  
  
"Yes, Irvy?" she breathed, cheeks pink and eyes ablaze.  
  
'Sefie..."  
  
"Yes...?"  
  
"...Selphie, Selphie, Selphie..."  
  
"Yes, Irvine?"  
  
"...can you give me a few more seconds?"  
  
"Oh, sure."  
  
They waited.  
  
"You ready yet?"  
  
"Huh? Uhh...no, not yet...sorry about this..."  
  
"Oh, no, it's okay. Take all the time you need."  
  
They waited some more. Irvine's world was in turmoil! Sweat poured from his noble brow! His face turned up to hers, eager, expectant! His pulse was racing! His heart was pounding in his ears! The clock was ticking! Time was passing them by! The song was almost over! There was only one more day of the big sale at JC Penney's! He really really had to go the bathroom!  
  
'Selphie Tilmett...will you marry me?"  
  
She jumped on him immediately. 'Oh, yes! Yes! Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyessyeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss! I love you, Irvy!"  
  
"Ah love you too, Sefie."  
  
They kissed. A cheesy shooting star flew over their heads. A million birds burst into song, despite the fact that it was ten o'clock at night. The musicians went into a final clash of brass and bowstrings.  
  
It was soooooooooooooooooo romantic. Awwww!  
  
***  
  
Rinoa pointed up at the shooting star, eyes wide with wonder, and giggled.  
  
(Stupid bitch.) Squall thought as he sat on his bed, very pointedly facing away from her. (God, I love her.)  
  
He took a small blue velvet box out of his dresser drawer and blinked at it. (Oh, god, I hope she says yes. If she doesn't, I'm gonna cry really really really hard. Well, I might care a teensy bit, anyways.)  
  
Squall looked at Rinoa and sighed. He knew he was no great catch. After all, he was boring, depressive, reclusive, unenthusiastic, apathetic, a bit slow, and he tended to point to things funny. However, she herself was giggly, pushy, spoiled, annoying, whiny, sulky, and very immature.  
  
It was a match made in haven.  
  
Squall spoke up for the first time that day. Grabbing Rinoa and almost-gently turning her around to face him, he said, "...."  
  
((Oh, oops.))  
  
Squall spoke up for the first time that day. Grabbing Rinoa and almost-gently turning her around to face him, he said, "Fuck you, toad, I'm gonna go slip Seifer my hot man meat."  
  
((No, no, that wasn't quite it.))  
  
Squall spoke up for the first time that day. Grabbing Rinoa and almost-gently turning her around to face him, he said, "Kimi no vanilla!"  
  
((...well...I mean, considering his character designs...no! Wait! HERE we go! And now on with our regularly scheduled fanfic!))  
  
Squall spoke up for the first time that day. Grabbing Rinoa and almost-gently turning her around to face him, he said, "Rinoa?"  
  
((...that was anticlimactic...))  
  
"Yes, Pookie?" Rinoa asked expectantly.  
  
Squall cleared this throat. He'd asked Irvine to find some romantic passages in books or something for him, and the American stereotype had done quite a good job. Squall had memorized his lines well.  
  
He still didn't get exactly WHY Irvine was giggling so much when he gave them to him, but Squall had figured he was just...happy.  
  
"Ahem." Squall cleared his throat and began. "Rinoa, if you don't mind my boldness, you look stunning. Make-'em-run-around-the-block-howling-in-agony stunning. I'm serious. You're big-time elegant, Francesca-I mean, Rinoa. In the purest sense of the word.  
  
(Oh, god!), he thought. (What the HELL am I saying?) But Rinoa was still staring at him and blushing a bit, so he pushed on.  
  
"I mean, when I first thought of you, a voice said to me, 'Let it go, Leonhart, get back on the road. Shoot the bridges, go to India. (Huh? What's India?) Stop in Bangkok (Irvine?????? Ewww....pervert...whatever.) on the way and look up the silk merchant's daughter who knows every ecstatic secret the old ways can teach. (But can she shut Selphie up?) Swim naked with her at dawn in jungle pools and listen to her scream as you turn her inside out at twilight. (Oh, how romantic.)'. But dammit, Rinoa, I wouldn't listen!"  
  
"I just want to say...I am the highway (Wha..?) and a peregrine (...) and all the sails that ever went to sea (And I am also going to bash Irvine's head in for this), and you are old knapsacks (....shit...) and a truck named Harry and-oh, FUCK it!!! Rinoa, will you marry me?"  
  
She squealed and attacked him.  
  
Squall lost his virginity about twelve times that night.  
  
  



End file.
